As you rise from the floor, your back and head aching with the same pounding waves of pain, you take a moment to collect your thoughts. The basics: where, what, how, why, who, none of which you can recall. Slowly, you rise from the cold floor and see yourself in the mirror.WHAT? A million things run through your head, including: “Oh please no, let this be a terrible dream” and “my mom is going to kill me”.
“Hey,” says your trusty sidekick, the voice in your head “What do I always say?”. You think desperately for a moment, so the voice answers for you: “DON’T PANIC! Tattoos aren’t that bad.” The voice doesn’t seem to believe itself, so it continues:
“Here, Thinking Of Getting A Tattoo? These 15 Pics Reveal How Tattoos Age Over Time”
“Not so bad???” you yell at the voice in your head, which in turn makes your cola-hungover head hurt “what do I do? Where do I go?” the voice in your head, as per usual, ignores your dumb questions for the sake of the article. “Hey! This one isn’t so bad! It’s barely faded, just the lines are a little softer!”
You roll your eyes at the voice in your head. Oh no, this is NOT going to be another shoe caddy incident. “Listen, voice,” you say “maybe we can work together on this one. If I comment on how the tattoos look, can you help me find a solution to these tattoos that are covering my body?”
“That’s reasonable,” says the voice “go ahead”. You clear your throat and look at entry number 3. “Wow!” mustering up as much gusto as possible. “That’s… um… faded and stuff! Look at the outlines, that’s just awful!”
“Very nice!” says the voice “now, we should probably google tattoo removal. See if we can even afford to get this ink off. Then again…”
“Look at this one! It’s not TOO terrible! You can still get what it’s supposed to be… I think” says the voice, but you’re already on google typing: “How much is tattoo removal?”
As you wait for the results, the voice goes: “AHEM!”. “Oh” you realize, glancing quickly at entry number 6. “Yeah, faded. Sucks”. You turn back to your computer screen.
“You know,” says the voice in your head, annoyed “I don’t really feel like you’re taking this seriously. We could always do the show-” “NO!” you yell “No, I’ll be good. WOW! Look at number 7! That’s super faded! Gee, sure wish I didn’t have these tattoos! They’re going to look not as good in ten years!”
The voice in your head pauses for a long time. “Fine” it says “how much does the procedure cost?” you check the website: $200 to $500 a session. Oof.
“Hey, cheer up!” says the voice as you stare, dejectedly at the website “If your tattoos look anything like this person’s, you’ll be FINE!”. Your head slams into the keyboard. Ouch.
“There are LOTS of options for people with tattoos like yours! You can work trades, you can be a writer, you can…” the voice continues with terrible jobs as suddenly, a message pops up on your Skype.
“I can help” says the mysterious message. Out of instinct or pure shock, you write back: “with what?”. There is a long pause, as your mysterious contact types his reply. It is: “With the tattoos, DURR”.
“A bit cheeky, isn’t he?” the voice says in your head. You scoff at the voice: “How do you know it’s a HE? Women can be mysterious messengers too!” Yeah voice, you sexist pig.
“YEEESH” says the voice “Alright, I’m sorry!” but you don’t hear what the misogynistic voice in your head says, because the person who sent you the message is sending another: “Meet me at 66 This Address Ave. We can get started once you arrive”.
The taxi rolls up to a scary, abandoned warehouse on the wrong side of town. You know, that place on the other side of the tracks where all the cute but dangerous boys come from? You gulp as you look at the warehouse. You hope the mysterious messenger is cute.
“Hey,” says your trusty sidekick, the voice in your head “What do I always say?”. You think desperately for a moment, so the voice answers for you: “DON’T PANIC! Tattoos aren’t that bad.” The voice doesn’t seem to believe itself, so it continues:
“Here, Thinking Of Getting A Tattoo? These 15 Pics Reveal How Tattoos Age Over Time”
1: I’m tired of the flippy floppin’ snakes.
“Not so bad???” you yell at the voice in your head, which in turn makes your cola-hungover head hurt “what do I do? Where do I go?” the voice in your head, as per usual, ignores your dumb questions for the sake of the article. “Hey! This one isn’t so bad! It’s barely faded, just the lines are a little softer!”
2: The force is not so strong with this one.
You roll your eyes at the voice in your head. Oh no, this is NOT going to be another shoe caddy incident. “Listen, voice,” you say “maybe we can work together on this one. If I comment on how the tattoos look, can you help me find a solution to these tattoos that are covering my body?”
3: I foresee… a faded tattoo.
“That’s reasonable,” says the voice “go ahead”. You clear your throat and look at entry number 3. “Wow!” mustering up as much gusto as possible. “That’s… um… faded and stuff! Look at the outlines, that’s just awful!”
4: I splash on your respectable woman like water.
“Very nice!” says the voice “now, we should probably google tattoo removal. See if we can even afford to get this ink off. Then again…”
5: Your sleeve is starting to leave.
“Look at this one! It’s not TOO terrible! You can still get what it’s supposed to be… I think” says the voice, but you’re already on google typing: “How much is tattoo removal?”
6: Sharknado 16: the tattooing.
As you wait for the results, the voice goes: “AHEM!”. “Oh” you realize, glancing quickly at entry number 6. “Yeah, faded. Sucks”. You turn back to your computer screen.
7: Red Bull gives you wings!
“You know,” says the voice in your head, annoyed “I don’t really feel like you’re taking this seriously. We could always do the show-” “NO!” you yell “No, I’ll be good. WOW! Look at number 7! That’s super faded! Gee, sure wish I didn’t have these tattoos! They’re going to look not as good in ten years!”
8: Every rose has its thorns.
The voice in your head pauses for a long time. “Fine” it says “how much does the procedure cost?” you check the website: $200 to $500 a session. Oof.
9: I’m probably going to lose some geek points for this, but what exactly am I looking at?
“Hey, cheer up!” says the voice as you stare, dejectedly at the website “If your tattoos look anything like this person’s, you’ll be FINE!”. Your head slams into the keyboard. Ouch.
10: Birds of a feather fade together.
“There are LOTS of options for people with tattoos like yours! You can work trades, you can be a writer, you can…” the voice continues with terrible jobs as suddenly, a message pops up on your Skype.
11: A ghoulish tattoo.
“I can help” says the mysterious message. Out of instinct or pure shock, you write back: “with what?”. There is a long pause, as your mysterious contact types his reply. It is: “With the tattoos, DURR”.
12: One fish, two fish, fade fish, tattoo fish.
“A bit cheeky, isn’t he?” the voice says in your head. You scoff at the voice: “How do you know it’s a HE? Women can be mysterious messengers too!” Yeah voice, you sexist pig.
13: The fire dies.
“YEEESH” says the voice “Alright, I’m sorry!” but you don’t hear what the misogynistic voice in your head says, because the person who sent you the message is sending another: “Meet me at 66 This Address Ave. We can get started once you arrive”.
14: Hey, it’s just like in the show! Get outta there Bill!
The taxi rolls up to a scary, abandoned warehouse on the wrong side of town. You know, that place on the other side of the tracks where all the cute but dangerous boys come from? You gulp as you look at the warehouse. You hope the mysterious messenger is cute.
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