Man Confesses That He Grew Up Using A ‘Poop Knife’ And Thought Everyone Else Did Too ~ NEWSOLOGIES

Although urban legend may suggest otherwise, everyone poops.

In fact, bowel movements can be one of life’s greatest and most underrated pleasures.

Even though we all like to poop, we usually don’t talk about it in public, or even openly with our friends.

For that reason, we never really know if our pooping behavior and process is normal or not.

The truth is, most of us probably haven’t given much thought to how we get the job done. It’s just another bodily function, after all. How complicated could it be?

Well, that depends on whether you’ve heard of a “poop knife” or not. One Reddit user, who goes by LearnedButt, recently shared that he and his family used a poop knife in his home while he was growing up.

What’s even funnier is that LearnedButt didn’t realize that a poop knife isn’t a tool that everyone uses until he was 22 years old.

Reddit user LearnedButt shared his eye-opening experience about the reality of “poop knives” for all the world to see

My family poops big. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap.

If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.

Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose.

It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out “hey, can you get me the poop knife”?

I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It’s been a day or two between poops and I’m over at my friend’s house. […] I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.

“My what?”

Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.

“Wtf is a poop knife?”

Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.

He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my f***ed up family with their f***ed up bowels. FML.

I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife.

Thankfully she didn’t cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.

She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question – Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn’t have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn’t. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]